How to support your partner through perimenopause

Often when we talk about menopause, we are talking directly to the women going through it. We focus on the symptoms they are experiencing, and the hormone shifts they are going through. We will often touch on the wider impacts, so on how things are at home, in their wider families and at work.

Whilst that, quite rightly, is a huge part of the conversation, there is also a wider viewpoint. One which focuses on how you, as a partner or family member of someone going through menopause can support them.

You may have noticed some changes over the past few months or years but not known why. Perhaps you weren’t sure how to start a conversation or were a little bit nervous to ask? Maybe you were even worried about what they might say – that you would be opening a can of worms, or getting into an argument you didn’t really want or need to have.

Yet, you want to love and support them and show them that you care – don’t worry, I have you covered!

Spotting the Signs

The symptoms of perimenopause and menopause often overlap with other conditions, which can make it hard to spot. Not only that, but menopause can look different for each woman. As the husband, wife or partner of a menopausal woman, you should look out for the following signs:

• She is hot and bothered, opening windows and fanning herself

• She is quieter than usual or more withdrawn

• She is moody or up and down

• She is less interested in life/going out/doing things

• She is less interested in sex and intimacy

• She is less able to remember things

• She is less able to concentrate

• She is more anxious

• She always second-guesses herself and overthinks things

• She is more bothered about her appearance

• She is looking at ‘what’s next’ in life

• She is worried about her periods

• She is more focused on her wrinkles, or lines on her face or body

• She is more stressed about the little things

The symptoms are often more serious than feeling a bit stressed or needing to have a few days off. They are hormonally and biologically driven and can impact you and your partner for many years, across many different areas of life.

Perimenopause symptoms can start 8-10 years before her last period. She may also be feeling ‘old’, ‘less confident’, ‘less youthful’, ‘less beautiful or attractive’ and ‘less of a woman’ than before.

Acknowledge How You Feel

While your partner may be going through a long list of symptoms, you also need to take time to understand and acknowledge how you are feeling.

Perimenopause and menopause can have a huge impact on your relationship and the best way to manage this is for you and your partner to learn and understand how you are both feeling.

If she is struggling with intimacy or battling mood swings, you may be left with feelings of doubt. But it’s important to know these are consequences of the symptoms she is going through.

I know it can sometimes feel like it’s your fault, especially if she snaps at you, pushes away your attempts at closeness or if you haven’t had sex or felt close in what feels like forever.

It may be that she just doesn’t feel sexy right now, her body is changing, maybe she has dryness and is worried sex will hurt or that if you have sex, she will get another uncomfortable urinary tract infection.

41% of women experience vaginal dryness during perimenopause^[1].

Supporting her through these symptoms will help you both navigate the difficult waters and often leads to a strong relationship.

So, just how can you support her?

5 Tips for Supporting Your Partner

1. Educate Yourself

   Learn as much as you can about menopause. Understanding what menopause is, its stages, and its symptoms can help you empathise with what your partner is experiencing.
   
   Read books, articles, and reputable websites about menopause. Consider attending doctor’s appointments with her to get firsthand information.

2. Communicate Openly

   Encourage your partner to talk about her symptoms and feelings. Listen without interrupting or offering solutions unless she asks for them. Just giving her time to vent and express her feelings can do a whole world of good.
   
   Express your understanding, too. Show empathy and acknowledge that her symptoms and emotions are valid. Avoid minimising her experience

3. Provide Emotional Support

   Be Patient: Menopause can cause mood swings and irritability. Practice patience and avoid taking things personally.
   
   Offer Reassurance: Regularly affirm your love and commitment. Let her know that you’re in this together and that she has your unwavering support.

4. Support Healthy Lifestyle Choices

   Encourage Healthy Eating and Exercise: Join her in eating a balanced diet and participating in physical activities, which can help alleviate some menopause symptoms.
   
   Promote Relaxation Techniques: Support her in activities like yoga, meditation, or deep breathing that can help manage stress and improve overall well-being.

5. Adjust Daily Routines and Environment

   Promote a Comfortable Environment: Help her to manage hot flushes by having open windows, fans or air conditioning available, and have light blankets for when the flush is over.
   
   Be Flexible with Intimacy: Understand that her libido might fluctuate. Communicate openly about intimacy and be adaptable to her needs and comfort levels.

Commonly Asked Questions

Perimenopause and menopause can be a challenging and confusing time for both partners in a relationship. We’ve put together a list of commonly asked questions to support you.

Why does menopause impact on intimacy?

Hormonal changes during menopause can cause physical symptoms like vaginal dryness and discomfort during sex, as well as emotional symptoms such as mood swings and decreased libido. These changes can affect your partner’s desire to be intimate. Open communication and seeking medical advice can help to manage these challenges.

Does menopause cause relationships to breakdown?

A survey in 2022 by the Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education found that 80% of women said menopause put a strain on their relationship, and 70% said it was the reason for their divorce.

Following the above tips from Doctor Beverley Taylor can help you and your partner manage your relationship alongside the turbulent changes caused by perimenopause and menopause.

Remember, relationships are a two-way street, and it takes both parties to work together for them to work, especially through menopause.

How long does menopause last?

Menopause is a process that includes different phases. Perimenopause, the transition leading up to menopause, can last several years, typically starting in a woman’s 40s.

During perimenopause, hormone levels fluctuate, leading to irregular periods and symptoms like hot flushes.

Menopause itself is confirmed when a woman has not had a period for 12 consecutive months. After this a woman enters post-menopause, but symptoms like hot flushes can persist for several years afterwards.

Overall, the entire menopausal transition can span from a few years to a decade, with each woman experiencing it differently.

Can women gain weight during menopause?

During menopause, women often gain weight due to declining oestrogen levels, which affects metabolism and body fat distribution, leading to increased abdominal fat.

Muscle mass may also decrease, partly due to hormonal changes and reduced physical activity. Changes in appetite and food choices can also play a role.

This is why it’s important to support lifestyle and dietary changes alongside your partner.

Are menopause symptoms worse at different times of the day?

Yes, menopause symptoms can be worse at different times of the day. Night sweats, for example, often intensify at night, disrupting sleep. Fatigue from poor sleep can make other symptoms, such as mood swings and irritability, more pronounced during the day. Hormonal fluctuations can also cause varying symptom intensity throughout the day. Understanding these patterns can help in managing and mitigating the impact of menopause symptoms.